In Which We Consider the Dog Itself

Reflecting on our second component of the perfect “dog”, the hotdog itself, I would make the analogy that the meat portion of the product is to the overall hotdog experience much as a quarterback is to a football team.  He gets star billing but is really sort of nothing without the supporting cast.  It is, after all, the bun and the condiments that determine if the hotdog is of star quality or just a pedestrian passing along the way to The Biggest Loser.  A fresh bun and homemade chili can save a poorly prepared dog, but a damp bun or, God forbid, canned chili can ruin even a Kobe-beef hotdog.  It is therefore difficult in my mind to put too much value on the hotdog itself.

However, we must have some type of evaluation for, indeed, even the worst of quarterbacks has a rating.  We have already made the case that the bun is responsible for proper fit so we shall give short shrift to hotdog size.  Indeed a mini-dog can be great if the onions are fresh.  We have already determined that locations only qualify if they serve all beef or unidentified meat product as the filler so chicken, turkey, and/or tofu dogs can be judged in a different venue by those of that care.

In evaluating the dog the casing should be smooth.  5 points shall be awarded for dogs that fit this description.  Deduct 1 point for wrinkled dogs and two points for a dog that has burst.  Deduct all 5 points if the dog is intentionally “butterflied” as this is an indication that the dog and the preparer have gotten (as my Grandmother would say) “above their raising.” 

At this point the scoring becomes very subjective.  The dog should be sampled sans bun and condiments.  Savor the moment and evaluate the smell, the feel on your tongue, as well as the flavor experience.  Don’t gulp.  Award up to five points for the overall tactile, taste, and olfactory experience keeping in mind that there are many, many miles to go before you sleep.

That is about it for the hotdog itself.  Next the condiments or what makes a dog a dog.

Thoughts and suggestions are welcomed but will not necessarily be seriously considered.

 

 

 

 

Best Darn Hotdog - Part Two

The lack of posting has nothing to do with abandoning this project but rather time has been spent in serious contemplation of just how to establish criteria for objective evaluation.  After devouring an untold number of dogs in various and sundry locations outside the county (I did not want to be accused of prejudging or establishing a criteria based on one of the possible candidates) and contemplating my navel for several days I have reached the following abstruse conclusions.  Although you might doubt the ability of anyone using the word abstruse to be able to judge hotdog quality.  I only used it for credibility with the PHD readers.

To professionally evaluate the quality of the dog one must be aware of the individual components that work together in harmony to create the perfect taste sense experience.  Therefore, as I see it, the hotdog is actually comprised of three main components, those being the bun, the dog itself, and the all-important condiments.  I will attempt to analyze these individually.

Today we shall discuss the bun.  The bun is important not only as the holder of the other two components but also as the initial contact point for the taste buds of the consumer.  It should be evaluated from the standpoint of size and quality. 

Size is important as it relates to the dog itself.  The bun should adequately hold the dog and condiments neither hiding them nor allowing spillage of the basic condiments that are: mustard, chili, and onions (more on that when we discuss condiments).  The perfect bun size should be of a length to allow ¼ to ½ inch of the dog to extend beyond the end of the bun and keep the aforementioned condiments within its confines.

Quality parameters for the bun deal with freshness.  The bun should be soft and pliable to the touch as this leads to melding of bun, dog, and condiments when taking a bite.  If the bun is hard to the touch it will lead to a crunch factor not in keeping with pure hotdog ethics.  If the bun is damp to the touch it has probably been steamed with the dog and a soggy bun just won’t do.

For scoring purposes we will award five points to a perfectly specified bun size.  Deductions will be: 1 point deduction for a bun too short or one too long (see above specifications), 1 point for condiment spillage based on normal condiment quantity (if you ask for extra chili and it ends up on our clothes, don’t blame the bun).  The bun shall receive no points if it fails to meet the quality criteria of pliability and sogginess.

Tomorrow we will discuss the dog itself.