In Which We Consider the Dog Itself

Reflecting on our second component of the perfect “dog”, the hotdog itself, I would make the analogy that the meat portion of the product is to the overall hotdog experience much as a quarterback is to a football team.  He gets star billing but is really sort of nothing without the supporting cast.  It is, after all, the bun and the condiments that determine if the hotdog is of star quality or just a pedestrian passing along the way to The Biggest Loser.  A fresh bun and homemade chili can save a poorly prepared dog, but a damp bun or, God forbid, canned chili can ruin even a Kobe-beef hotdog.  It is therefore difficult in my mind to put too much value on the hotdog itself.

However, we must have some type of evaluation for, indeed, even the worst of quarterbacks has a rating.  We have already made the case that the bun is responsible for proper fit so we shall give short shrift to hotdog size.  Indeed a mini-dog can be great if the onions are fresh.  We have already determined that locations only qualify if they serve all beef or unidentified meat product as the filler so chicken, turkey, and/or tofu dogs can be judged in a different venue by those of that care.

In evaluating the dog the casing should be smooth.  5 points shall be awarded for dogs that fit this description.  Deduct 1 point for wrinkled dogs and two points for a dog that has burst.  Deduct all 5 points if the dog is intentionally “butterflied” as this is an indication that the dog and the preparer have gotten (as my Grandmother would say) “above their raising.” 

At this point the scoring becomes very subjective.  The dog should be sampled sans bun and condiments.  Savor the moment and evaluate the smell, the feel on your tongue, as well as the flavor experience.  Don’t gulp.  Award up to five points for the overall tactile, taste, and olfactory experience keeping in mind that there are many, many miles to go before you sleep.

That is about it for the hotdog itself.  Next the condiments or what makes a dog a dog.

Thoughts and suggestions are welcomed but will not necessarily be seriously considered.